Hey, this is according to the CEO of Stellantis, so it must be true…
Stellantis, which if you didn’t get the memo before is the owner of Dodge now, really, really wants you to get super excited for its upcoming all-electric muscle car. You need to be excited about that instead of worrying about the death of the Hellcat engine as well as the end of Hemis in any Dodges. Instead of looking at the man behind the curtain, pay attention to the shiny new thing that’s promised but you don’t get to actually see at the moment.
See why something seems suspicious about Dodge’s future electric muscle car here.
With that in mind, Stellantis CEO Carlos Tavares let the media know recently that Dodge is creating a “shocking” sound for the electric muscle car to make. “We are creating a sound that you cannot imagine,” he said in an interview with Automotive News. “It’s something that is shocking.”
I’m sure there was no pun intended with the “shocking” comment, but I admit to laughing at that. What would be even more shocking would be if the promised Dodge EV is released in timely fashion and doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. Even better, make it charge fully in 5 minutes using a 220 outlet so it’s essentially as convenient to refuel as a traditional muscle car. I know that’s not realistic, but if it were Dodge would have an easier time selling everyone on the switch to electrification.
Instead, Tavares is trying to get everyone excited by promising shocking noises. How gimmicky.
There are so many possibilities for the “shocking” sound this yet-to-be-named electric muscle car will make. Maybe it will sound like high-voltage power lines. Or it could repeat Greta Thunberg’s famous line “how dare you?” to all the other drivers in their gas-burning cars. Maybe someone at Dodge who’s really good at making sound effects using their mouth will record themselves imitating cool V8 burbles. Even better, the EV muscle car on hard acceleration would shock everyone if it laughed just like Kamala Harris. Any of those would make people stare in shock and maybe even send a shiver up their spine.
According to Tavares, shoppers in their 30s are receptive to the idea of an electric muscle car. He knows this because an unbiased third party, Stellantis, did some research and surprisingly agreed with the boss’ viewpoint on the subject. This is exactly how to make smart business decisions and will be taught in MBA programs across the nation for decades to come.
Predictably, automotive media outlets are already slobbering over how stunning and brave Stellantis is for making Dodge not only get rid of its cool muscle cars but replace them with an all-electric appliance. I’ve read some of my fellow journalists' straw man arguments that the only “real” objection to electric cars is the lack of sound. Sure, some people make a big deal about that, but trust me I have some other much more pressing concerns. However, I am concerned about pedestrian safety when a 6,000-lb. behemoth can charge down the road blindingly fast while making little noise, giving people on foot little to no warning. I’ve seen this scenario play out with Teslas several times, but thankfully didn’t witness the annihilation of said pedestrians. I’m sure that was because of the completely infallible onboard sensors in which, just like all the cool high-tech systems in Jurassic Park, we can place all of our faith. How comforting.
So, I for one can’t wait to hear the “shocking” sounds the totally real and definitely very affordable future Dodge electric muscle car will make. I just hope it’s something like an increasingly intense, continuous fart since nothing else would be more appropriate.
Source: Automotive News